BRANT WATCH

Kyle Brant and Peter II with Polish doily model Mira Soupschuss at the 12th Annual Rally for Women’s Rights at the Pimberton Country Club in Garfield, New Jersey, sponsored by Russian Standard vodka, Playboy magazine, and Chick-fil-A. “Women have it hard,” explained Kyle, who once got a C+ in an Intro to Feminism course through Phoenix University. “In India, if they masturbate, they get burned alive on a ginormous funeral pyro [sic].” Cat Power performed at the event. “She was pretty good, for a girl,” said Kyle.

Peter II told six women from Code Pink an anecdote about how he once accidentally locked his nanny in the basement for five days.

Harry and Peter II with Paris Hilton and professional Paris Hilton impersonator, [name withheld], at the launch for new hipster-dad mag Kindling. (Patriarch Peter I graces the debut issue, featured in a rather disturbing fashion spread, shot by Juergen Teller, which references both cosplay and paraphilic infantilism.) The event, held at Marlow & Sons, was co-sponsored by BabyBjorn’s Urban Woodsman line and the new Gerber X Red Bull collab. Harry wears sunglasses once owned by Tom Cruise and a pair of shorts from the Kids ‘R Us Pro-ana collection. The precocious pre-K girls and boys who perambulated through the crowd serving canapes were outfitted by All Saints. They were reportedly “totally fucking adorable.” 

Peter II and Kyle Brant bookend a quintet of young ladies (Maya Trump, Kylie Picasso, Iona Bush, Pita Cheney, and Lupa Guzman) at the launch event for Picasso’s new vaginal perfume, Clandestine Destiny, held at the fabled Chukka-Chukka Room in the Jane Hotel. CocoRosie performed at the event. Kyle wears a pair of limited edition Burton snowboard boots with the lyrics to Rage Against the Machine’s “Bulls On Parade” stitched into the leather upper using white silk thread. Peter II told the girls an anecdote about the orphan from Mali that Patriarch Peter I adopted in the fall, but then sent back before the 60-day return policy had expired. (“The thing would. Not. Stop. Crying,” he said.) The evening was sponsored by Courvoisier and Pepto-Bismol.  

A vintage photo of Peter II backstage at the short-lived Aspen, Colorado-based local access reality show, I’m So Rich I Could Buy Your Mom (But I Won’t, ‘Cuz She’s Ugly And Drives A Volvo With, Like, 98,000 Miles On It). In the foreground is host Toni Kim, beloved for his whimsically elastic facial expressions and classic catchphrases (“Eat the poor—no, really, do it, they taste like chicken,” and “Badaboom, bada-WANG!”) To the left of Peter II is Shira Johnson, the show’s leonine prize presenter, later infamous for running Harelip House, a fake charity that wildly misappropriated donations intended for third world facial surgeries. Peter II’s episode of I’m So Rich… was never aired, and the entire show was shuttered shortly thereafter, reportedly for violating several key provisions of the Geneva Conventions.

Harry and Peter II flanked by their godfather, Balchus V. Niplicher, and Some Anonymous Woman In A Pink Shawl Who Kept Getting Photographed With Everybody Else Even Though No One Knew Her And Just Assumed She Was Important, Somehow. The occasion is the launching of Niplicher’s latest business venture, Hop To It!, which will merge the Rabbit (luxury wine opening device) with the Rabbit (battery-powered stimulator of ladyparts.) “It makes perfect sense—wine is an aphrodisiac, clearly, and people, especially New Yorkers, don’t have room in their drawers to store redundant tools,” Niplicher says. “Plus, it’s dishwasher-safe.” Harry wears a coy expression he learned from studying the movies of a young Alan Cummings. Peter II sports a self-made Dreamcatcher necklace and a wristwatch that once belonged to General Patton. “I like wine,” he said, running a finger lazily through a thatch of artificial chest hair whose improper glue job threatened to cast a pall on the evening.

“OMG OMG lo-ok at this fu-cking guy,” Harry squeals, streaming a YouTube video of a homeless ex-factory worker from Detroit for the enjoyment of his friends at Miami Basel’s annual Holy Motors Ball, hosted by Mercedes-Benz and Monsanto. The clip, titled “DEREK, POOR SAD HOBO, EATS RAW LIVER FOR CHANGE, SAYS THANK YOU SIR CAN I PLEASE HAVE ANOTHER,” portrays the titular character performing the titular action, in exchange for $0.65. Harry’s companions—celebrity chef Vionna Krackle, trust fund recipient Karl Dreiser, and Lana del Ray back-up dancer Hiona Patchooka—argue about whether the video is real or not. “OMG it’s so real,” Harry protests. “You couldn’t fake desperation like this. And check out that part where he sort of drops a piece of the liver on the pavement, and hopes no one noticed, but then the other guy is all, Yo Derek, I think you missed a spot, pal o’mine….” High-powered collector Jacques Pig watches the scene, videotaping his friends watching the video. “We live in screens within screens within screens,” he said, wearing a silk shirt from Prada’s ‘Parker Lewis Can’t Lose’ collection. “And I am fucking meta.”

Harry and Peter II midway through a 3-day Ayahuasca & DMT Retreat in Yuba City, CA, hosted by Richard Branson and anti-virus software pioneer/homicide dilettante John McAfee. “I just realized that under the meat of my face there’s a skull,” whispered Harry, “and that our bodies are essentially imperfect pieces of machinery, programmed for obsolescence.” The Brothers were photographed in the kitchen, gathering a few lemons and limes to suck on during a multi-hour “cybersexual internment” ritual led by R.U. Sirius and Douglas Coupland. 

Kyle—the disowned, rarely photographed third Brant brother—poses sourly amidst the wreckage of his Mexican wrestling-themed birthday party, hosted by the Applebee’s in Atlantic Center. He wears an Ed Hardy X Damien Hirst t-shirt and a vintage Harry Potter cape. Fall Out Boy performed at the event. Patriarch Peter I, perhaps feeling a rare moment of pity for his neglected progeny, rented Johnny Knoxville, who launched fireworks from his anus. The ratio of party photographers to party attendees was squarely 2:1. Various types of sashimi were served off the nude bodies of underemployed Pratt graduates.  

Peter II and Harry in a still from the unreleased film Wow!, loosely modeled on the Beatles’ 1965 Help! The Brothers spent three months gallivanting, cavorting, skipping, and otherwise merrily flailing their limbs in front of a variety of locations of special significance to them. Rufus Wainright, Antony, and Leonard Cohen dueted with Harry on the theme song, “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head (Why Can’t I Just Pay God To Make It Rain On Everyone Else But Me),” a track notable for a musical bridge that Billboard magazine describes as “a Moog synthesizer having a miscarriage, with a Nina Simone impersonator as the traumatized midwife.” Filming was never finished for Wow!; the director, Claudias Piet, was forced to return to his native Holland to stand trial for sex crimes. Peter II, meanwhile, was distracted by auditions for a revival of Equus in Greenwich.